That Valentine's Day Talk

Well first of all wishing you guys a very happy Valentine's Day. Mine went regular except for the fact that a friend gave me a box containing two heart shaped cookies, one for me and one for, well someone else so sorry but they were too delicious to resist

To be honest I did have a blog to write about and was about to give up completely when Robby (yes he's being mentioned in almost every single blog I write) came to my rescue, he was asking as to whether I was talking to any chicks lately and whether I was planning to use the "Valentine's Day talk" on her. Now frankly I didn't have even the slightest idea what the heck he was talking about so I decided to discuss it with my cabinet (my booze cabinet). I had some beer, whiskey, tequila, vodka and some more beer then passed out and slept over the whole issue (Not really). What I actually did was sit in the corner of an office in Gurgaon and thought over this whole Valentine's Day Talk issue.

So although I couldn't come with much. Here is what I think may qualify as Valentine's Day talk. My only assumption is that the entire world becomes a lousy bunch of perverted nymphos.
> To a banker chick: Hey there my gorgeous piece of Fixed Deposit, mind if I make a small deposit to your, ahem Account? Her most probable reply can be: It was rather, small.
> At a coffee shop: Hey my sweet latte, I really love to have a bite of that lemon tart
>hey there, what's a hot girl like you doing in a place like this. I know of a place that can really keep you cozy (this comes with a sound that sounds like a constipated Darth Vader)
>A really Lousy one: You wanna go someplace where we can get aackuuaainted hmmmm??? (that lousy Matt Damon act usually accompanies this one)
>Girl's version: Oh am really sorry for this, maybe we can work something out. the only other sounds you may hear after this would be Ohhh ohhhh ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......... ;)
>An Investment Banker: Hey there sweetie I would love to invest in you ASS-ets
> A french artist: huh huh, my sweet ladiiieee, come wwwith mua and weeee weel make beautiful meusic together
> A casanova : aaaah I love you, mwah mwah, aaah You have set my soul on fire, I can already feel it now, making a hole in my heart, feeling it Burning buuuuuuuuuurning........ (copied from Tom and Jerry)

I can't think of anymore so I'll close it for now as I feel sleepy as well. This isn't the best of my work, but it's out here and now
Cya guys later

The author wishes everyone a happy Valentine's day and hopes that everyone celebrates it in it's true spirits instead of acting like horny and greedy bastards. Peace Out

Dancing Cars and desperate people

Date: 6th January 2011
Time: 4:15 p.m.
Place: NFC Market, New Delhi

I was standing in a corner of the 2nd floor office looking through the window towards the busy NFC market, the hot chicks with their no so hot guys (how in the world did those assholes manage those hot babes is something of mystery to me till date). It was at the same time when I suddenly noticed on a far end of the market in the parking lot, a white swift, more or less sandwiched between other cars, bouncing up and down like I used to bounce my head on hearing DJ Khaled. The car however reminded me of the late Eddie Guerrero's low rider with the alloys, hydraulics that would be sweet.This, however, was a completely different scenario, I could clearly see through the windshield that some guy's ass was bouncing up and down in the car too as if being commanded by Justin Timberlake (remember the song Bounce??). More or less it was clear as to which tune the car was bouncing to and it wasn't David Guetta's tune to say the least. This has been the motivation to come up with such a fucked up blog post about Dancing Cars.

A friend saw something similar in Lonavala when his taxi was parked somewhere and an Esteem a few metres away was dancing to the tune of I wanna F*ck you (Literally), the song kept playing over and over again and my best guess was that the run down esteem probably liked the song too much to stop it's jingo which, as he said it, was something like a crossover between bharatnatyam and bhangra(Cars can do THAT??? FRIGGIN AWESOME). After 20 minutes of dancing the car stopped and 5 minutes later came out a couple setting their clothes. No prizes for guessing what was happening inside, I guess their esteem was too overjoyed and busy dancing to the music to really bother.

This brings me to the more serious part of this blog as to why a space crunched Delhi needs to get down and dirty and downright desperate on the roads so as to make their cars BOUNCE........like their ass the hiccuuuuups, BOUNCE like they're riding in a pickuuuuuuuup, oops I started singing that timberlake song again FOCUS man FOCUS, probably because of the lack of privacy or maybe it's just the fact that someone got a swanky new car and wanna show off it's Micheal jackson style dance moves, Robby I sure wanna see your Civic do that once, but I guess by that time you'll have that Mercedes- "I don't give a fuck" class to dance to the tune of, uuuuhhhhh I don't know, maybe Beiber, the song will go well too, "Baby baby baby oooooohhhhh" ;)



Dad once told me about this road in Dwarka, completely empty with not a soul around and very close to a friend's house, where people from as far as Manesar in their cars after 12 to get laid. I can already imagine it now- scores of cars lined up on that road some of them will be dancing really fast like to the beats of tiesto (rough one, advice be sure to get you suspension checked afterwards), others bouncing up and down rhythmically to the songs of Lil Wayne and still others more slow will be making their own music with a background score of lots of OOOOOOO's AAAAAAA's and MMMMMMM's and the guy grunting like a rhinoceros who got a tree stuck up his back . Topping that will be the streetlights, wait I forgot, there is no power coming there, thanks a lot Sheila Dickshit. Now we'll get generators, a DJ system laser lights and booze, no dance party is complete without booze right???
So if your planning to shake your car all night or day or whatever time it is, this is what you need
1) a girlfriend/ wife (preferably your own, sometimes red light chicks will do too)
2) Contraceptives (if you don't listen to me now you'll definitely remember me after 9 months)
3) Booze (Do I even need to tell you why???)
4) A car (this can be directly proportional to the beauty of the girl)
5) An empty place

Are you still reading this you moron?? That can only mean you have no life just like me who writes crap for fun.I didn't write anything too erotic so I just hope you wouldn't Jerk off in front of your computer because that'll make you a bigger loser than you already maybe.
Peace out until next time.

Confession: The author had to watch a lot of relevant educational videos (read porn videos of people having sex in cars) to come up with such an article, his personal views are that such a thing is disgusting and people need to spend a few hundred bucks and get a hotel room instead.

The Alpha Male Concept

To all my friends, I’ve returned to the blogging scene with a vengeance. So after putting out 60 tweets in a day(a record for me) am putting up my second blog today. Hmmm so let’s see 4-5 months later, finding a topic going on my mind would be pretty easy as I’ve probably seen a lot of things right??? WRONG. It’s that tough to write something different, but thanks to my boi Robby I have some ‘masala’ to put up here.
Synopsis.

A few days back Robby asked me the question of the 21st century(well sort of). He said which among you is the Alpha male. During our 140 character discussions on twitter it came out that none of us actually was fully aware of what the Alpha Male really means. It was at that time I went into research mode. I heard the term in December 2006 when I grabbed a copy of Men’s Health in the hope that I’ll lose some lard balls and look like one of those cover guys(I’m still trying, damn). I also remember hearing it in the ad where a girl goes to a guys house and rates everything according to a meter (and it goes from zero to Jackpot faster than Robby’s dream car when she checks out his body). Anyway I found out a few interesting things which I think can shed some light on the subject
Qualities of an Alpha Male

1 Has a 6 pack: Sigh if it was only beer they were talking about, I would be carrying one in each hand. This is the one you see on Amir Khan in Ghajini(hopefully without a tattoo).

2 Can cook: And here am not talking about opening a pack of 2 minute maggi noodles. Actual cooking with real food. The best way to swoon a woman is breakfast in bed (of course taking her to the bed is tough on it’s own, unless you’re married to her)

3 Impeccable dressing sense: Okay this is the toughest one probably, if you believe robby, then I don’t make the cut, damn even a clown dresses better than me (can’t help it though). The guy has to look like someone right out of a James Bond movie or at least close to it. That means 99.9% of the people aren’t even close to being Alpha Male. The rest probably work in MI-6 maybe. By the way Bhanu your fugly boxers mean you're out too.

4 Job: Yep, where else will you get the Ferrari, the expensive French wine, the Cuban Cigar, the Armani Suit to charm that knock out. Take notes Roohbir, you may need them. The money can actually bring more than one woman (discussed later) but if you want to commit suicide by doing that then, Hey! Go ahead. Okay now am thinking maybe the money part is good but only for one night dates. Damn.

5 The ability to charm: Okay probably the most important, but make sure you only go for one at a time, and keep it short term (Thank you Bhanu Dhanjal), but you should be able to charm any woman you see, whether it’s the office/college slut (Every office/college has one and if you missed your chance than I feel bad for you, just like I feel bad for me  ) to the total straight forward “seedhi saadhi bhartiya nari” (though I believe it’s fictional and does not bear any resemblance to any person living or dead) you should be able to sweep her off her feet, (No brooms please).

6 Mr. Perfect: That guy should be perfect in all respects, can fix the broken appliance, watch the baby, do the dishes, do the girl (in more possible moves than dwarf the number of moves Elvis makes in dance), should stand up for what’s right, arm-wrestle blah blah blah blah...........

7 A big Shaft: Enough said, that requires no explanation ;)

Okay, to say the least some of these actually are making me feel weird so am going to just stop now. Though my attempt is stupid at defining the Alpha Male, I actually found that women like the Beta Male more often when it comes to marriage ( after probably getting screwed by 2-8 Alpha/beta/theta/delta/omega oh fuck it doesn’t matter what their level is..........classic Rock moment........ males depending on the level of horniness ). But I still find it hard to define an Alpha Male, so am going to stop now and discuss it over till we come to a conclusion.

The guy from Alpha Nation.
There was a time the author used to think that Alpha Males were big, handsome, gay men from the land of Alpha Nation, but his beliefs have been widely shaken as he comes to term with the fact that Alpha males are probably the reason he’s single coupled with his own stupidity.

Media, Mantri and Moolah

It's hard as it is to write on such a controversial topic, which shakes our very belief in everything. It's like your girlfriend/wife on your marriage/anniversary/valentine's day tying you to a bed and submitting you to become a helpless cuckold as she enjoys the love of another person. It's only upto you whether you support it or absolutely hate it. Okay so maybe I've gone too far with that bit, but then again it's close enough.

A few days back a friend of mine made some defamatory remarks against one of the highest respected journalists in India on twitter. Outraged by this, I asked him to come clean on it. It was then that he sent me the link to a conversation tape of Barkha Dutt with a journalist where she openly talked about her involvement in scam. Shocked and awed by this and not knowing what to say, I never realised I was just at the doorsteps of the museum of Black Journalism, as the things unfolded everything became only clearer. Hoping the media would take this matter to task. Surely, if a waldrobe malfunction or Pamela Anderson on Bigg Boss can make headlines this is something that can go on for days.

I was in for a rude shock once again as even after days of this incident by the open mag coming to light, there was not even as much as a stir in the mainstream media. This could only mean one thing that there are more than one journalist in such scam and history proves it too. Many politicians in the Legislative and the Parliament have listed journalism as their profession. The perks available to top journalist from companies and politicians are unending. that go from luxury holidays to blackberry's and the girls(who can forget about them, ahh the pervs will like this)

My only Solace is that a small group of twitterapis are alive and kicking and trying all they can to bring this into the mainstream media. Though I guess the freedom of press is being misused in this case as it's using everything possible. Shameful.

Never would've thought I would be writing about the media openly taking money from politicians to be their agents or keep their scandals a secret under the garb of foolish journalism such as that portrayed by India TV with their stories on a guy getting bitten by a dog or animal fights not worth even showing on the Animal Planet.

I end this blog with the hope that justice finds it's way one way or the other, and if she is really innocent then she should come out and prove herself. And finally the media needs to come clean too, as they're the one to whom the "aam aadmi" went when the govt failed to deliver. This leaves a question to be answered- who do we trust now????? POP comes the answer 'Mark Zuckerberg and Jack Dorsey' creators of Facebook and twitter for giving us a platform to spread it faster than wildfire. Thanks to both of you. BUT THEN DOES THE BUCK STOP HERE

The author is of the belief that the media deserves a sharp kick in the ass for hiding the truth and for their belief that Karma never bites. And for those who don't know about it listen to the below 4 audio tapes of their tapped conversation [Courtesy: Open Magazine,Samadrita Kuiti and Anil Sawan on Twitter!]

http://goo.gl/69oQA [1]

http://goo.gl/OswRz [2]

http://goo.gl/BhN4d [3]

http://goo.gl/tNzrN [4]

Hater's paradise

Been dormant on the writing scene for quite sometime, so today I decided to put something up. It's been quite sometime and a lot of changes happened during this time. Been going through a lot of emo shit so don't know what to write and what not to.

Ever since my exams I've been in a state of semi psych trance mode, trying to figure out what's real and what's not, I remember just a few days back I was trying to push open the doors of an ATM only to realise it was in fact a glass wall. Though everyone considers me as a nice guy, until they don't count the innumerable fights I've picked with random people, the most recent one being yesterday when I punched a guy in the face because he was holding up the lift to have a chat with someone.

Another weird shit I did was get my emotions or at least a part of it out and made it into something beautiful (mixtape). So you'll know what kind of state I am in.

I've had these moments when I just hated everything and everyone for no apparent reason, and still everything seemed perfectly all right. At other times when I'm cool with everything yet nothing seems good. Don't really know what else to write. Will put something up when my mood is better.

The author is definitely not in the mood or the condition to write about anything yet felt the need to write. He would also like to reach out to 3 other friends whom he knows are dealing with the same or similar condition, with a hope that we'll get enough strength to move on without fear or troubles. PEACE

A deejay is born

This time I write out not as a blogger but as an artist. Dad's deejaying finally rubbed off and I made my first mixtape yesterday, though it was just for fun and made in under an hour during breakfast but I hope you guys like it. This'll only help me out later on. This ain't a thought but something I have a passion for, a passion for music. Even though this is the worst time to do it seeing that my exams are just a week away but then somethings can't be explained and can't be helped. I'll be laying off the music scene till I'm done with exams. But if you find it good i'll find a way to make it better. I've titled it the insane dance music because the music doesn't make sense just like pretty much everything else in my life.



With Love :)
DJ Ritzzz a.k.a. Rishabh
Download link- http://www.mixcrate.com/mix/8563/The-Insane-Dance-Music

Life on a Keyboard

As I look back at my last five years in Delhi, I've come to realise that except for the one and a half years I spent in college, I never really had much of a life which I can say I'm proud of. For some reasons, unknown to me, my whole world was slowly confined to a 20X15 ft room with the only mode of contact being either my cellphone or mostly my computer.

Though I have over 200 contacts on my Facebook profile, I am not proud to say that I barely know who my neighbours are over here or the fact that I hardly keep in touch with any of those 200+ contacts. In fact, I've come to realise that there maybe only 10 with whom I'm in regular touch and 15-20 more whom I contact occasionally. That, besides a few occasional chats with someone every now and then. The only other news I get from the rest of them is when someone hits me with a pillow, or when I am tagged in those automatic application pictures or when someone thinks that I can drink 10 cans of beer in a row, when someone answers one of those random 'Yes' or 'No' Questions about me. No I still won't join your mafia or fertilize your crops because I left that a long time ago and frankly you should grow up too.

It's quite hard to actually say when I had fun with friends except for that time around New Year's maybe, when I went to Chandigarh, talked to real people and for once actually had fun. After that, having fun meant a chat on GTalk or socialising meant writing on someone's wall or posting a scrap on Orkut.



Most of my time is eaten up by work and the rest of it by studying up the impossible amounts of study material thrown at me. But, slowly and steadily I got used to it. As I don't socialise for real because I am stuck here, this is the only thing keeping me from going insane. I also know that without any other option in sight I must cling on to it with a hope of living a real life other than my life on a keyboard.

The author would have loved to write more on this but someone pinged him on Gmail, and he left to have a chat with that person. He also has to respond to a few wall posts by other friends where most of them are still asking him to fertilize their farm. Some people never get it.